So, you think you’re ready to lose your virginity. You’ve thought long and hard about this. You’ve got the guy, who you’ve deemed worthy of the event. You’ve accounted for birth control and you know to use a condom to prevent STD’s. You know
at least vaguely what a penis looks like and where it will go and what it will do when it gets there. You expect it to hurt. You know there might be blood. This you’ve learned from your friends who ferried down this path before you…or your teachers, who taught you the physical details of sex, or your parents who said nothing more than “for the love of god just use a condom!” But
after that what can you expect?
How Will It Feel Physically? How Much Will It Hurt?
The first time you have sex it can hurt. But sometimes it hurts the 80th time too. Sex involves friction and so there is always the potential for pain. Upon penetration, when the vagina first stretches to accommodate the penis, it is especially touchy, especially if you feel nervous, which you should expect during your first time. Nerves can also interfere with your body’s natural lubrication which can make that initial penetration more painful. Having an eager boy, who rushes too quickly to penetration will also guarantee a less than ready vagina, which will increase the likelihood of pain. For this reason, insist that your partner take it slow. He really should perform oral sex on you for a bit as this will help you relax a bit and lessen the potential for extreme pain.
Some girls will have intact hymens (the thin membrane that partially covers the vagina of young girls) and may feel more than just the pain of the stretch…and they may experience bleeding when the hymen tears. However, many girls will have torn their hymens long before having sex. Such pre-sex tears are very common and a BROKEN HYMEN ALONE DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE LOST YOUR VIRGINITY! It only means that when you do lose your virginity, you may not bleed or feel much pain beyond the stretching pain I described. Regardless of the level of pain you feel, it will be tolerable and you will live through it.
Will You Like It? How Will It Feel Emotionally?
On average, most girls neither like nor dislike their first experience. It’s more about the discovery of sex. You may feel like you’re having an out of body experience…like you’re observing the experience rather than participating in it. For example, you may playback things you’ve been told in your head…and wait for something to happen in the way that a girlfriend has described only to find it doesn’t happen that way for you. You may FEEL vastly different from how you expected to feel and this may confuse you. You might feel relieved to “have that whole virginity thing outta the way,” as one girl said to me.
Or, you may feel guilty and fear that you have disappointed your parents…or perhaps God if you are religious. You might be fearful about what your partner thinks now that you’ve had sex. You might feel exultant about the experience…or let down by it…or completely indifferent to it; and you may have a confusing blend of emotions. Sex is built up a great deal in our society and it does have the potential to live up to the hype but you will not be likely to experience this your first time.
Your first sexual experience, in and of itself, will not change your life. You may feel less like a child, but, and I hate to reference Britney Spears, you won’t feel like a woman. You probably won’t feel more loved than you did beforehand but you may feel like you love your partner more than you did before. This may increase your feelings of attachment and you may become more jealous afterward. But mostly, you’ll realize you have a whole new multi-layered activity to learn about; and since you’ve only just begun, this may be very exciting for you.
Unfortunately sex is something that is experienced differently by everyone. Through trial and error, you will find out what you like and where your boundaries are. That process of self-discovery is marked by a wide range of emotional and physical sensations. However, this isn’t something to fear. Sex in all its complexity is part of the human experience…and how you integrate it into your life is completely up to you; and you should not rely on anyone else’s ideas of what sex is or should be as you integrate it into your life.
Realizing and embracing your choices and honoring what feels good to you both emotionally AND physically is of utmost importance. Whether you choose to wait until married…or choose to experiment with several partners, sex with your partner should make you feel not only instantaneously good but also good about yourself. Your first time will probably not live up to this expectation. But if you work to pay attention to the feelings you do have…the first time can be the first step toward the amazing sex we’re all looking for.